the EMO post that i never send out.And i guess i will just throw it out.---------------------------------------------15th July 2008After Dream Concert, i'll stop dancing for awhile i guess. Not totally ofcs. I'll be there for all the Saturday TPDE training and Flair's session. But talking about competitions and non-compulsory perf, i'll think twice.
my
studies' getting from bad to worst. Yes im aware of it. Second teacher to embarrass me today in MBS. Talk about me not paying attention and absent and stuffs. I admit i've been lazy and my
life's out of control lately. I just don't know how to prioritize anymore when everything seems important to me. I was like, literally splitting myself into pieces, satisfy everything i need, and things that i want to do.
Yet, enough is enough. There's things that i neglect for far too long. You know...there's time i feel that
dance is my subject and my course is my CCA. I emo, because i never got the feeling of friends leaving me this strong before. When Sam and Ken isolate me during MBS (lol), i felt damn lonely, and helpless. Sorry, don't mean to ps that day. haa. And thanks for forgiving me in the end! =)) And then...when i look back....i lost everything. I have a hell lot of friends, more of the 'hi bye' kind that is....but tell me...who are those that really be there with me?
DangShi....Gangyi...Zhixiang...Peiru....nothing comes close, but where are they now? They are totally out of my life.
Where my heart will bring me??
Why i just can't find the right person, the soul mate to be with anymore?
It must be me, because i never ever reach out to them in time.
They failed me, as i failed them with my busy life.------------------------------------
I emo...because i suffered countless setbacks, failures , hits after hits, and then, suddenly, i turned weak, because i don't feel like fighting anymore. If you can dodge it, why take it head on? Yes i turned out a better person, but what if it hurt so much, it end up killing myself?
Then again, on the other hand, i don't want to give up either. Just hoping if i walk through this path with all the pain, it will shed me some light at the end of my journey.
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I emo...because i don't get why this world's so unfair. Was watching a documentary on Art Central, and then it's a African girl who got a big tumour right in her face. Doctor saw opened from her mouth to extract the 3pounds tumour, and even the jaw of the girl( whole stretch of teeth) got removed from her head. Her head was like 1/4 of it cut out, and then sew back after everything's done.
I cried.
She's totally disfigured. Even if she keep her life, she must live a life with people seeing her as monster, despise her everywhere she go, and all she did was being a filial teen who helped the village with all that she could, until the tumour got onto her.
Look. I don't know what the fuck im talking. But, it's just so unfair.
Screw this world.
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Im migrating to NY. Where will i be? How will things work out there? Am i gonna start all over again? Why's my life so screw up?? Why must you guys keep shifting around. It's for our own good. But oh god. It's very hard on me. Im just so tired of changing environment for a 2rd time. Trust me, it's disturbing just to think about all this.
Because, i can't see my future.
Because, i simply don't know why am i doing here now, when everything will be reduce to zero soon.
Because, i had lost my reason to live.
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16th July
Do i even know how to dance?
Im losing all my confidence away.
Im feeling like some loser, some sort of failure this days.
Life's in a bloody mess, and i don't live a humanly life anymore. When im supposed to do this, yet im not. Im aware of it, yet i can't change anything. How fucked up issit. Because it's already in you, part of you.
I wonder,
If im there, will i be chosen for Suntec? 3 teams, and im not in any.
If it's a YES, im contented. But really sad because i missed out another big event, just like TBG, when i not aware of the changed audition date.
If it's a NO, ok i suck.
Issit i suck? or it's just not my kind of day?
Is i suck rite? Because that's what i believe. That's what people starts to make me believe.
Those comments, those critics. Take it positively, im willing to change, but i can't help but starting to feel lost and demoralized. Be it...popping...being hiphop..be it anything.
IM NOT GONNA GIVE UP JUST YET. But perhaps...
Maybe im not cut out to be a dancer afterall.
I should just be an ordinary average guy, no need to be dope, no need to be somebody, but smile and live a peaceful life, save me from everything.
Dance in the RAIN,
TO BE CONTINUED.
